love

Single in Quarantine: Reflections on Proverbs 31:12

May 6, 2020April 20, 2021UncategorizedLeave a Comment

Just hanging out. Vancouver, Canada. Summer 2016.

It’s an interesting time for almost everyone right now and perhaps a particularly unique time to be single.

In times like this, sometimes it can feel kind of like you’re just floating in the world and there can be a temptation to relax your standards or entertain things you normally wouldn’t.

It’s kind of like how it feels senior year during finals week when you have completed all your exams but you still have to go to school. Behavior is lax because “it’s not like it’s a ‘real’ school week.”

The same way it feels like what’s happening in the world isn’t quite real.

A few times in quarantine I’ve found myself mentally entertaining scenarios that I normally would shut down immediately and not even explore. For a split second the “but God, it’s not a real school week” mentality invaded my consciousness.

I think it’s the uncomfortable stagnancy of the present and the ambiguity of the future that can allow us to forget about the big picture.

This post is for anyone who is feeling pulled in directions they know they shouldn’t go and under normal circumstances wouldn’t even have the desire to go.

My hope is that it will encourage you to focus back on the path and to remind you that the decisions we make in our love lives now hold just as much weight as ever and to empower you to make the right ones for your future, even now.

Today I was on my daily walk and a verse from Proverbs randomly popped into my head:

“She brings him good, not harm all of the days of her life” (Proverbs 31:12).

This verse is essentially explaining some of the qualities of a good wife.

Immediately after the verse popped into my head, I heard the words “that doesn’t have to start when you meet the person, that can be right now.”

“ALL of the days of her life.”

Even these days. These groundhog days. These endless hours of whatever-you-choose-to-fill-them-with days.

The decisions we make now are just as important now as any other time. Are we making decisions right now that will ultimately bring our future husbands or wives good and not harm all of the days of their lives?

Right now, it may feel okay to entertain that random text message or let that person come over because times are strange but how will this affect the very thing you’ve been having faith for; for possibly years now?

Hebrews 11:1 Defines faith as “the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.”

In this season it feels like a lot of things are unknown and unseen but as always, the only person I can control is me. I can’t control God’s timing or if He has someone for me or not and let’s be real; in life that’s not a guarantee or a promise, period.

In my situation, I believe that God does have someone for me but even if it doesn’t happen, my intention is that I live a life where I set myself up in the best position to receive the love I desire and make proactive choices to get there.

It is important to me that my heart position is pure; to wait for the right man and to set my life up even in singleness in a way that I am a blessing to Him when our paths do cross. This is not passively waiting. This is action-based and I like that.

Like any other dream, you do what you know to do, don’t give up and continue working towards it in faith.

Whatever this means for you in your own particular situation, you know.

Perhaps the most common barrier is the concept that the seat next to you can’t be open for the right person if it’s being occupied by the wrong person; whether that means you’re actually physically with someone you know in your heart isn’t the right one or someone is inappropriately taking up so much space in your thoughts that you might as well be with them.

I know no one wants to hear that but I’m not telling you something I haven’t personally gone through myself and if you need help walking away from someone or something feel free to message me and I’m happy to listen and encourage you through it.

Sometimes it’s hard to believe that better exists in a culture where we’re bombarded with examples that show hook-ups, short attention spans and fickleness as the norm. But those are lies.

I remember when I was in the heights of my experimental days and I was making super interesting choices in my love life.

My mom would tell me, “Danielle, you can do so much better.”

I would respond, “okay, show me better then!”

I had lost hope that better existed and on top of that I was impatient so it was easy to settle in my heart that what I was coming across was all there was and accept almost any kind of treatment.

However, I have witnessed that there are still plenty of people out there who desire and are ready to build a healthy, fun, flourishing and life-giving relationship and are happy to commit to work to continue to growing that connection in marriage.

If you start to doubt this, consider any real-life examples you know of healthy (but of course not perfect) couples and cling tightly to those and don’t let go.

It doesn’t matter if it’s 2020 and the general consensus is that this type of love doesn’t exist anymore. Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever (Hebrews 13:8) and He is still all about relationships that take place within the safe and supportive environment of lifelong commitment.

He, himself is a God of honesty, of loyalty, of covenant. He knows what you need in every season of your life. Pandemic or not, it’s still okay to be bold, counter-cultural and crazy enough to trust Him completely with your love life.

xoxo ❤

Danielle

For all of the encouragers out there: six ways I stay fueled up to love others

November 25, 2019November 25, 2019encouragement, Faith, Healing, tips, UncategorizedLeave a Comment

Stopping to smell the roses in Colorado Springs, September 2015.

In one of my recent Instagram stories I asked if anyone had any requests for topics and someone submitted a wonderful one that myself and likely many others can relate to. They wrote:

“The weight of giving; it can be draining and unrewarding, depending on how people react or acknowledge it. How do you balance that?”

This topic reminds me of this time a few years ago when I felt really let down by a friend of mine. One day I was hiking Griffith Park and wrestling with how poorly I felt she had treated me when I felt like I had only ever gone out of my way to be a really good friend to her. When I reached the top of the mountain, in the stillness overlooking the city, I felt a question being posed to me: “if your ‘niceness’ is dependent on how kind other people are to you, how ‘good’ or ‘nice’ are you really?” I felt like this sounded like something Jesus would say so I did some research and sure enough it was:

“If you love only those who love you, what reward is there for that? Even corrupt tax collectors do that much” Matthew 5:46.

The experience with that friend was painful but I feel like God used it to take me on a journey of learning to navigate the fun and sometimes difficult road of trying to be a giver and encourager in a dark and confusing world. I am by no means perfect at this but here are a few things that help me immensely to keep on keeping on.

Six ways I stay fueled up to love others:

Embrace my #Extra. When I first became a Christian, I didn’t totally know what to do with myself. I was used to living life with no brakes and going “all in.” I thought, “what is something healthy I can go ‘all in’ with now?” One day, a verse in Galatians caught my eye: “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law” Galatians 5:22-23.

The “against such things there is no law” part really stood out to me. So, when I didn’t know what to do with myself, I would go hard in joy. I aggressively pursued peace both internally and externally. I would challenge myself to be more patient, kind and loving. I began celebrating the victories of those around me and would try to make even the tiniest special occasion elaborate and fun. People recognized my passion and excitement and started calling me “extra” so I just radically embraced this and ran with it. Today I look up and I am surrounded by friends who also like to celebrate life like no other which has made the journey all the sweeter.

2. Accept that pain and vulnerability are just the price tags of caring. When I first opened my heart to Jesus I felt like I was suddenly stripped of all of my defenses. There was a sudden shift inside of me where I found myself naturally growing into a more sensitive, tuned-in person, aware of and caring about the emotions and experiences of the people around me. I have heard before that you can’t selectively numb emotions; trying to keep the bad out has a way of keeping the good out too and I feel like I’ve learned that first-hand. The more you are open and care the more you are susceptible to hurt and that is just the way it is.

3. Be consistent with self-care. It’s very hard to pour out of an empty cup. I check-in with myself multiple times throughout the day and make sure I am taking care of my own needs mentally, physically and emotionally.

4. Spend time with God. When I stay filled up spiritually by spending time with God, I find myself more naturally feeling loving and patient towards others. The days when I make it a point to immerse myself in prayer, journaling, worship and reading the Word there is a protective container around my heart that empowers me to keep going even when things feel really hard.

5. Tease out the details and create boundaries accordingly. I have begun to notice there are three components present in whatever I’m dealing with: my feelings/actions/reactions, the other person’s feelings/actions/reactions and then the communal space of the situation between us. Trying to own my truth and also allowing them to own theirs while using boundaries to respectfully manage how much I want to give, say, etc. in the shared space between us allows freedom and authenticity in the vast majority of situations.

6. Evaluate my actions and stop taking things so personally. Am I giving just to get? We are all human so it’s hard to do things completely selflessly but trying to make sure that I’m doing things just because I want to regardless of the response has helped me a lot. The majority of people are just caught up and trying to manage their lives the same way I am and things are rarely personal. Easing up off myself and others has taken an immense weight off of shoulders. As one finite being, there’s only so much I can do for anyone and only so much anyone else can do for me.

What is your perspective on seeking to do good and what helps you keep going when it feels difficult?

Regardless of people’s reactions or the disappointments along the way, please continue to give. The world needs what you have ❤

xoxo, Danielle

Five tips for approaching and getting to know the girl who seems like she doesn’t need a man

October 26, 2019Dating, Healing, relationships, Singleness, tips, UncategorizedLeave a Comment

Southworth Ferry on a trip to Seattle, October 2014.

“Some guys look at a girl who seems to have everything together and think ‘where would I fit in?’ For a lot of guys that can be intimidating.”

This is only one comment from a series of recent conversations I’ve had with male friends echoing the general sentiments about feeling like they can’t win with women.

It hurts my heart to see decent men frustrated and discouraged and with this post I hope to empower and encourage. The following are my tips and my own unique perspective on this topic through the eyes of a girl who seems like she doesn’t need a man.

Know that when you approach her she most likely views you as an annoyance and a distraction. This is less likely to be the case if she got to know you gradually over time in a neutral environment such as work, through a friend or common interest group of some sort. However, if you are cold approaching her, know this is likely what she is thinking. I’m not condoning this mindset and on behalf of my own missteps and for every stank-eye you’ve ever received, I am sorry. A woman may genuinely just not currently be in the right headspace to get to know a man for various reasons or may simply not be interested in you specifically. When I’ve felt this way it is usually because I interpreted the man’s approach as a demand on my time, energy, body, mind and heart; all things I hold closely and when you’re in a good place, it can feel like adding someone new into the mix could be a potential threat to all of those things.
But be honest with yourself: do you bring with you a lot of unresolved tendencies that could actually translate into unnecessary trouble for her? We are all a work in progress and she’s definitely not perfect whatsoever but reflect on where you are: do you have boundaries, standards, passions and purposes of your own? Do you have a healthy degree of self-awareness and willingness to work through your own weaknesses? Are your intentions towards her as just a fellow human being good? If you’ve reflected on these points and you have a reasonable level of confidence, be brave and go for it. In the initial approach just be self-assured and don’t overthink it too much; just treat her like a person.
Don’t worry about putting on a show, just focus on bringing value. If this girl has been on her own for a while, takes care of herself and has a full and vibrant life I can imagine that a man may wonder if there’s any space for him. She may be perfectly content on her own but there’s one thing that she for sure doesn’t have; you. This is an invitation to dig deeper. Everyone has blind spots and things that can only be ignited in them through interacting with another person. This will be different for every woman but examples of bringing value could be: you have a different point of view from hers; bring it to the table. Gently challenge her to expand her mind and think in a way she previously hadn’t. Be an active part of her growth. Help her in practical ways and encourage her towards her goals. Welcome her to bounce ideas off of you and allow your masculine perspective to be a resource available to her as she navigates situations. Be an asset and not a liability in her life. Also allow yourself to open up enough to accept and enjoy reciprocity as it will likely be her desire to add value to your life as well.
Be flexible but maintain your backbone. She most likely is a genuinely busy person so your respect of her time and schedule will mean the world to her. She may be working through subconscious defense mechanisms or old patterns and that may require patience and understanding on your part as you build mutual trust. However, don’t allow her busyness to be an excuse for flakiness or her working through her issues to be an excuse for a lack of control over her emotions. A sign she is in a healthy place to get to know you will be her possessing a collaborative partner-type mentality coming from a place of humility where she will actively seek to understand things from your point of view. You will sense that your preferences and feelings are not only important to her but openly embraced and welcomed at the table.
Be patient, go slowly and don’t take things personally. If for example you offer help with something and she’s hesitant or refuses to accept, don’t take it as rejection. Accepting help from someone is an act of vulnerability because “what if he doesn’t come through?” Again, allow that mutual trust to build and see if she is more receptive to what you offer and in going to a deeper level with you. Going slow is for your sake too; your time and heart are worthy.

Truth be told, just because a woman can function without a man doesn’t mean that she doesn’t want one. Men, I hope these words have helped to dismantle the lies that you are disposable, unnecessary afterthoughts and have been replaced with the truths that you are valuable, important and yes, you are wanted.