Five tips for approaching and getting to know the girl who seems like she doesn’t need a man

“Some guys look at a girl who seems to have everything together and think ‘where would I fit in?’  For a lot of guys that can be intimidating.”

This is only one comment from a series of recent conversations I’ve had with male friends echoing the general sentiments about feeling like they can’t win with women. 

It hurts my heart to see decent men frustrated and discouraged and with this post I hope to empower and encourage.  The following are my tips and my own unique perspective on this topic through the eyes of a girl who seems like she doesn’t need a man. 

1. Know that when you approach her she most likely views you as an annoyance and a distraction.  This is less likely to be the case if she got to know you gradually over time in a neutral environment such as work, through a friend or common interest group of some sort.  However, if you are cold approaching her, know this is likely what she is thinking.  I’m not condoning this mindset and on behalf of my own missteps and for every stank-eye you’ve ever received, I am sorry.  A woman may genuinely just not currently be in the right headspace to get to know a man for various reasons or may simply not be interested in you specifically.  When I’ve felt this way it is usually because I interpreted the man’s approach as a demand on my time, energy, body, mind and heart; all things I hold closely and when you’re in a good place, it can feel like adding someone new into the mix could be a potential threat to all of those things.   
2. But be honest with yourself: do you bring with you a lot of unresolved tendencies that could actually translate into unnecessary trouble for her?  We are all a work in progress and she’s definitely not perfect whatsoever but reflect on where you are: do you have boundaries, standards, passions and purposes of your own?  Do you have a healthy degree of self-awareness and willingness to work through your own weaknesses?  Are your intentions towards her as just a fellow human being good?  If you’ve reflected on these points and you have a reasonable level of confidence, be brave and go for it.  In the initial approach just be self-assured and don’t overthink it too much; just treat her like a person.   
3. Don’t worry about putting on a show, just focus on bringing value.  If this girl has been on her own for a while, takes care of herself and has a full and vibrant life I can imagine that a man may wonder if there’s any space for him.  She may be perfectly content on her own but there’s one thing that she for sure doesn’t have; you.  This is an invitation to dig deeper.  Everyone has blind spots and things that can only be ignited in them through interacting with another person.  This will be different for every woman but examples of bringing value could be:  you have a different point of view from hers; bring it to the table.  Gently challenge her to expand her mind and think in a way she previously hadn’t.  Be an active part of her growth.  Help her in practical ways and encourage her towards her goals.  Welcome her to bounce ideas off of you and allow your masculine perspective to be a resource available to her as she navigates situations.  Be an asset and not a liability in her life.  Also allow yourself to open up enough to accept and enjoy reciprocity as it will likely be her desire to add value to your life as well.
4. Be flexible but maintain your backbone.  She most likely is a genuinely busy person so your respect of her time and schedule will mean the world to her.  She may be working through subconscious defense mechanisms or old patterns and that may require patience and understanding on your part as you build mutual trust.  However, don’t allow her busyness to be an excuse for flakiness or her working through her issues to be an excuse for a lack of control over her emotions.  A sign she is in a healthy place to get to know you will be her possessing a collaborative partner-type mentality coming from a place of humility where she will actively seek to understand things from your point of view.  You will sense that your preferences and feelings are not only important to her but openly embraced and welcomed at the table. 
5. Be patient, go slowly and don’t take things personally.  If for example you offer help with something and she’s hesitant or refuses to accept, don’t take it as rejection.  Accepting help from someone is an act of vulnerability because “what if he doesn’t come through?”  Again, allow that mutual trust to build and see if she is more receptive to what you offer and in going to a deeper level with you.  Going slow is for your sake too; your time and heart are worthy.         

Truth be told, just because a woman can function without a man doesn’t mean that she doesn’t want one.  Men, I hope these words have helped to dismantle the lies that you are disposable, unnecessary afterthoughts and have been replaced with the truths that you are valuable, important and yes, you are wanted.