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The Sex, Love & Dating Chronicles: Sex

June 24, 2021June 24, 2021Uncategorized2 Comments

“You’re altogether beautiful my darling, beautiful in every way.” This is a quote from the Song of Songs, also referred to as Song of Solomon, in the bible. Song of Songs depicts a smitten couple in the throes of love and romantic attraction, lavishing one another with admiration and praise as their wedding rapidly approaches.

The book depicts a “cat and mouse” style, seek-and-find adventure as the young lovers find but loose one another over and over. Tension builds as the two cross each other’s paths only to be separated yet again, longing to be together.

The woman describes her desire to be “kissed and kissed again” by her soon-to-be husband, gushes over the intoxication of his scent and calls his love “sweeter than wine” (Song of Songs 1:2-3).

The man in the story describes his new wife physically from head-to-toe, delighting in what he sees (Song of Songs 4:1-5).

The excitement of their physical attraction cumulates as the wife invites her husband to finally come and fully experience her body (Song of Songs 4:16).

The Song of Songs then continues on with some of the steamiest language not only in the bible but in the history of Hebrew literature. This book was almost kept out of the bible over concerns that it would tempt readers to lust.

So…what is this even doing in the bible? In my research, I found a few different interpretations of this book:

In Jewish tradition, the man and his wife are a representation of God’s relationship with Israel
In Christianity, the man and the wife represent Christ’s relationship with his bride, the Church
It’s a collection of ancient love poetry meant to display the heavenly gift of romantic love

The third interpretation seems to be what many modern scholars can universally agree on. With the garden imagery in Song of Songs, it is thought to harken back to the Garden of Eden before the fall of man. The couple in Song of Songs’ love is untainted by sin, innocent, pure. They’re together, naked and unashamed.

So, does this mean there’s an entire book of the bible that is devoted to celebrating romantic love and…sex?

It sure seems that way!

The Song of Songs doesn’t shy away from detail and isn’t prudish; these two characters are relishing in their attraction for one another and enjoying every moment of it.

In this post I want to explore a different take on sex than you may be used to. In a culture of instant gratification, I want to slow things down for a bit. I want to call us to higher thinking and give us the opportunity to restore sex back to the place of respect and importance it deserves in our hearts and in our minds.

What May God think About Sex?

Given Christian culture and stereotypes, it may seem like His stance is limited to: “Don’t do it. If you’re married you can do it. But even then, be careful not to enjoy it too much.”

I think the decadent and indulgent romantic imagery in the Song of Songs goes a long way to say otherwise.

I think God invented sex and He knew what He was doing. I think He knew what a powerful, earth-shaking, life-changing, life-giving, bonding, incredible gift He was bestowing upon humanity. As with anything else that is so extremely powerful, I think He wisely gives us parameters in which to experience it safely and optimally.

A fire is a mesmerizingly beautiful and powerful source of heat when it’s contained in a fireplace but has the potential to kill and destroy when it has escaped into a home or is let loose in a forest. A razor-sharp knife is perfectly equipped to prepare an incredible meal, slicing through meat and vegetables but the same knife can be used to stab someone to death.

Let’s Try To Imagine What God May Have Originally Intended Sex To Be Like And Why.

To unpack this, erase for a moment everything you know and have experienced about sex. I know that’s difficult. Close your eyes for a moment and imagine an intelligent designer creating a beautiful world with oxygen for us to breathe, water for us to drink, hills to run up and down, colorful flowers, all kinds of different animals and a sun to light the whole place up.

All the way back to the Garden of Eden, God thought of how much better this world would be to enjoy with companionship. So, he presented Adam with Eve.

None of us can understand God’s thoughts or how He does things but I know that God is all-knowing and that His character is perfect. He made this precious, fun and special thing called sex but He also knew He was introducing it into a fallen world. His beloved humans that He created in His image with hearts, thoughts and emotions had also inherited Adam’s sin nature. No doubt they will make mistakes and misuse this gift of sex to abuse one another and obtain selfish pleasure. It’s only human.

It makes sense that He would design parameters for sex to be within marriage the way He did: one man, one woman, meant to last forever. He knows how deeply beautiful and bonding sex is and how it usually has the natural side effect of bringing another human into the world. I assume He would want all of this to be experienced within the safe confines and structure of two people promising to be there for each other, only to be separated by death itself.

I think a kind and intelligent creator who wanted fragile, fallen people to stay together for life would also set things up to make this easier on them. The extra boost provided by the chemicals released during sex seem to do just that. Oxytocin, which is released during sex, acts as human superglue and helps to create an emotional bond. The more sex you have, the tighter the bond that’s created. Oxytocin is also shown to increase fidelity. One study showed that men given oxytocin who were in monogamous relationships kept a further distance away from attractive females than a group of men who were given placebos.

Maybe this is part of the reason why the bible tells husbands and wives not to deny one another sex but rather to be available to each other physically (1 Corinthians 7:5).

The way a woman’s monthly cycle is set up also hints to a creator who made sex for more than just procreation alone. A woman’s fertility window is only six days maximum of any given month. If sex is for reproduction alone, making women fertile every single day seems more practical.

But There’s Unmarried People Who Are Having Sex and Love Each other Just Fine. There are Christians who are Married and Are a Total Mess.

This is 100% true. I think Christians are quick to judge and invalidate non-Christian’s relationships and send them to Hell in their minds because they’re having sex and living together, etc. But I think this misses the whole point of the gospel.

Yes, fornication (sex outside of marriage) is sexual immorality and it is sin in the eyes of God. But the judgmental and self-righteous shouldn’t forget that during the Sermon on the Mount Jesus also said:

“You have heard the commandment that says, ‘You must not commit adultery.’ But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:27-28).

I love how this verse captures the heart of God and how seriously He takes how people treat one another. He’s so sensitive, aware and intimately acquainted with us that He wants even our thought-lives to be pure. The God of the Universe looks way deeper than just our surface actions.

If you’re saying, “well that’s impossible; I can never live up to that standard!” That’s the point; God’s standard is perfection and it is impossible for us to uphold. None of us can do it. This is why Jesus lived a sinless life and was sacrificed for all of our sins. Just believing in that sacrifice grants you Christ’s imputed righteousness and right-standing with God.

This doesn’t mean you no longer mess up but the gift of the Holy Spirit that God gives you when you accept Him can actually change you and make you want to sin less. Sinning less isn’t about performance, it’s a biproduct of the relationship you have with Jesus. This is an amazing presentation of the gospel if you want to know more about how this all works.

God’s Design For Sex Feels So Outdated Today.

Living in the modern world, a lot of the natural consequences of sex like pregnancy and STDs are generally easy to prevent or erase. The pairing of sex with love and responsibility and life-long commitment no longer seems super necessary.

There is also a massive delay of graduating into adulthood today. People are maturing way later than in past generations. It feels illogical and cruel for someone to wait all of the years from the onset of puberty to well into their 30s or so to ever have sex. But that is the reality we face today with the modern-day dilemma of delayed maturity. When the gap between puberty and adulthood wasn’t as massive, I bet waiting until marriage didn’t feel as difficult or seem as crazy as it does today.

It feels really difficult to strip sex down to such a simple image. It almost seems just too Disneyland or fairytale-like. I think one of the things that tugs on my heart the most about thinking of this image is the purity of it. I think it’s hard to imagine what God’s original intentions for sex could have been because we live in such a dark world. It’s hard to imagine something being so easy and so good.

When I picture this image of marriage and sex being paired together from a pure perspective it logically makes sense. It seems like what a loving father would want for their child: peace, order, protection and stability mixed with bliss, fun, fulfillment and enjoyment.

But We’re So Desensitized.

If you’ve ever committed to cleaning up your diet and eating very naturally, you will totally understand this metaphor. Suddenly, when you start eating foods from the earth, an apple is sweet enough and manufactured, sugar-laden candies taste sickeningly sweet. But if you go back to eating the man-made stuff, it doesn’t take way too long for your body to readjust. Suddenly the deliciously sweet apple just tastes basic.

The same can be said when it comes to our attraction responses. If we’re used to going from 0-100 with people physically and seeing a lot of people naked all the time, there is an underlying and low-level numbing effect. It happens gradually and it’s hard to notice it until you step away and purposely slow down.

Just like with the natural sweetness of the apple, when you’re not engaging physically and not exposed to overly-sexualized imagery, small things start to become more special again. Even just the brush of the hand of someone you’re attracted to feels foreign and exciting; as it should be. There’s something sweet and sacred about that.

Sex Is Meaningful.

In business, a handshake is used to seal a deal. There is a certain moral expectation if you “shake” on something. If your business partner turns out to be a betrayer, the betrayal will likely sting in a deeper way if you previously shook hands on a deal. A handshake represents reinforcing a mutual agreement by adding an extra assurance of integrity.

A “pinky-swear” is similar. Every schoolgirl understands the seriousness of a pinky-swear. I even recently had a friend who is a grown man ask me to “pinky-swear” him that I would watch one of his favorite movies that I had never seen prior to his birthday as a present to him.

You better believe I watched that movie…I can’t break a pinky-swear!

If tiny, fully-clothed physical gestures like handshakes and pinky-swears bond us in a powerful way to one another, how can something as involved and intimate as sex not?

I want to affirm you that If you think sex is meaningful you are not a weirdo. You are not childish. You don’t need to just chill out. I hope you keep your heart soft and sensitive and that you never feel ashamed or shamed, pushed or pressured into doing anything you don’t want to do.

In The Bible, Marriage Is Meant To Symbolize The Relationship Between Christ and His People.

Forever present, abundantly loving and self-sacrificing to the point of death. These are the truths of who Jesus is to those who believe. This post isn’t about marriage but since God asks that sex take place only within marriage, it seems important to mention. The symbolism Paul mentions in Ephesians 5:21-33 explains why Christ-followers believe that marriage is defined as one man, one woman for life and illustrates a living example of the relationship that Jesus has with His people. You don’t have to agree with that but I hope it at least gives clarity and helps to make sense as to why Christians believe what we believe about marriage.

Is Sex Keeping You Away From God?

All of this talk about the way God views sex; it can feel pretty restrictive. I feel like I can talk about this openly because my entire life, sex was 100% the barrier against me wanting to have anything to do with the God of the bible. I wasn’t raised in church but I still had the faint awareness that since I was sexually active, I wasn’t allowed to ever be a part of “the club.”

When I finally got tired of my way of doing things and totally stopped dating and stopped having sex, there was a 2-month span where I had the greatest clarity I had ever felt. Sitting in silence, I remember actually feeling dirty from my lifestyle for the first time ever. I believe this was God allowing me to feel the weight and reality of my choices over the previous years. I didn’t even believe in God but somehow, I knew on a core level that I needed to apologize and get right with Him.

I thought that since I had already done a lot of things I knew “God doesn’t like” that I wasn’t even allowed to try to talk to Him. That if I ever tried to talk to Him, He would be there to beat me with a stick and throw back into my face all of the many reasons that He would be sending me to Hell. The truth of what God may think of me, if He existed, filled me with fear and discomfort.

I want you to know that no matter what you’ve done or been through, Jesus loves you and He still wants to hear from you.

He’s not waiting to beat you with a stick. He’s waiting to listen, to answer your questions about Him, to prove to you that He’s real and that He’s been with you all along. He wants to save, forgive, heal and have a relationship with you.

It doesn’t matter what you’re dealing with. Jesus isn’t intimidated and He can handle it. If you feel trapped and stuck living in a lifestyle or identity that doesn’t feel quite right to you but you assumed must just be who you are; it doesn’t have to be that way. God is not the enemy. He is for you. Check out some of these stories:

Former Porn star FINDS HOPE and a Second Chance | Josh Broome’s Story

Change of Affection: A Gay Man’s Incredible Story of Redemption

Equip 2019 – Pulse Nightclub Survivors Angel & Luis’ Testimony

Derek’s Story: Finding Forgiveness After Four Abortions

God loves you the way you are but He also loves you too much to let you stay that way.

He cares about your sex life and wants to give you a fresh start. A start where He can lead you in an alternative to culture’s way of viewing and living your sexuality. A way that is rich, meaningful and overflowing with protection.

His way.

Just like He did with the woman caught in the act of adultery in John 8:4-11:

“’Teacher,’ they said to Jesus, ‘this woman was caught in the act of adultery. The law of Moses says to stone her. What do you say?’”

They were trying to trap him into saying something they could use against him, but Jesus stooped down and wrote in the dust with his finger. They kept demanding an answer, so he stood up again and said, ‘All right, but let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone!’ Then he stooped down again and wrote in the dust.

When the accusers heard this, they slipped away one by one, beginning with the oldest, until only Jesus was left in the middle of the crowd with the woman. Then Jesus stood up again and said to the woman, ‘Where are your accusers? Didn’t even one of them condemn you?‘

‘No, Lord,’ she said.

And Jesus said, ‘Neither do I. Go and sin no more.”‘

❤

Walking collectively with a limp: Life halfway through 2020

June 26, 2020June 27, 2020encouragement, Faith, Healing, hope, Uncategorized2 Comments

Walking. Vancouver, Canada. Summer 2016. Photo credit @jen_yeager

The Year of 20/20 Vision. Perfect Focus. Clarity.

Towards the end of 2019, the year 2020 was being prophesied about enthusiastically.

“This is going be my year,” many people felt.

For me, 2019 was a year of great leaps. It was the year I happily began sharing my story of the radical transformation that God has done in my life and connecting with others in the hopes of encouraging them that they can overcome anything.

It was also the year I felt ready to open my heart romantically again after about 3 ½ years of not dating whatsoever.

I learned so much in 2019 and grew in ways I never anticipated.

However, the very end of 2019 hit me like a series of unrelenting tidal waves: a handful of personal relationships ended, an event team I loved cut the program I worked on and my family rang in 2020 with the funeral of my brother’s best friend all the way since childhood who passed away tragically and unexpectedly on New Year’s Day.

At the start of 2020 I didn’t write very much because honestly, I didn’t know what to say. I wanted to uplift others and yet my own faith was hanging on by a thread.

I just thank God so much for work. Having an extremely full schedule during this time softened the blows of this season and forced me to keep walking forward; although literally every step I took, it felt like I was limping.

As I wrestled daily through my own feelings of sadness and hollowness, I was in communication with several friends who began confiding in me about their own bumpy starts to 2020: deaths on top of deaths, rejections, traumas and setbacks.

It felt like a dark cloud hovering over what was supposed to be such a great year.

Around March I finally began to feel strong again and that’s when “2020” as we know it thus far truly hit. And it just kept on hitting:

World-wide pandemic. Shut-down. Uncertainty. Sickness. Death. Racism and racial injustice brought unignorably to the forefront.

I was on church Zoom calls where stories of sicknesses and deaths of family members were a sad reality. I attended a Zoom funeral.

I’ve listened as several of my closest black friends and family members opened their hearts on a whole new level. They have been vulnerable enough to let me into their sacred spaces of pain and elaborate on the true depths and realities of their own experiences of the indisputable, blatant and repeated racism they have faced throughout their lives.

I’ve felt the worries and sadness of close friends who have brothers and husbands who are in law enforcement and who are genuinely some of the good guys.

I’ve spoken with friends with pre-existing anxiety and depression who have felt driven to the edge due to months of isolation and uncertainty.

Mass job losses and relocations. Passions, plans and dreams put on hold; indefinitely.

It’s been a season of almost all of us coming face-to-face with the unpredictable, uncontrollable, harshest and darkest realities of life.

Six months into 2020 and it feels like the entire human race is collectively limping.

Sitting in contemplation of all of this makes me wonder: what if the truth is that we’re always limping but we just don’t notice it until times are desperate?

What if the way that this time is affecting almost all of us in some kind of profound way is just evidence of the fragility of the human condition?

Maybe we are always this delicate but life going on as normal allows us the illusion of feeling somewhat in control.

In reality, we’re always just a phone call away from things never being the same.

One heart beat away from facing the inevitability of our own life slipping away.

But what if 2020 really is the year of 20/20 vision after all; maybe just not in the way that we thought?

Isaiah 55:9 says “For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.”

While our original goals for 2020 may have been noble, maybe God’s priorities for this year are even higher.

Maybe through the midst of our collective pain He wants to heal us and simultaneously refine and guide us to grow in strength, endurance, hope and humility and expand our capacity for empathy and compassion.

Maybe He wants to deal with us individually and guide us to right our wrongs, challenge our mindsets and bring all of the things that are really important to the surface.

Marinating on all that life has thrown our way this year and everything that has been laid-out in front of us, I think #goals for the second half of the year would be to slowly progress from limping to walking in power and righteousness as described in Micah 6:8:

“The Lord has told you what is good, and this is what He requires of you; to do what is right, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God.”

I hope as you finish reading this you receive peace to endure your present circumstances and a sense of renewed strength to walk boldly into your future.

I also hope we don’t all move on too quickly from remembering how it feels to be so collectively shaken. I hope and pray that our hearts stay soft enough and our minds stay open enough to continue to contemplate life; where we’ve come from and where we are going ❤

xoxo,

Danielle

Single in Quarantine: Reflections on Proverbs 31:12

May 6, 2020April 20, 2021UncategorizedLeave a Comment

Just hanging out. Vancouver, Canada. Summer 2016.

It’s an interesting time for almost everyone right now and perhaps a particularly unique time to be single.

In times like this, sometimes it can feel kind of like you’re just floating in the world and there can be a temptation to relax your standards or entertain things you normally wouldn’t.

It’s kind of like how it feels senior year during finals week when you have completed all your exams but you still have to go to school. Behavior is lax because “it’s not like it’s a ‘real’ school week.”

The same way it feels like what’s happening in the world isn’t quite real.

A few times in quarantine I’ve found myself mentally entertaining scenarios that I normally would shut down immediately and not even explore. For a split second the “but God, it’s not a real school week” mentality invaded my consciousness.

I think it’s the uncomfortable stagnancy of the present and the ambiguity of the future that can allow us to forget about the big picture.

This post is for anyone who is feeling pulled in directions they know they shouldn’t go and under normal circumstances wouldn’t even have the desire to go.

My hope is that it will encourage you to focus back on the path and to remind you that the decisions we make in our love lives now hold just as much weight as ever and to empower you to make the right ones for your future, even now.

Today I was on my daily walk and a verse from Proverbs randomly popped into my head:

“She brings him good, not harm all of the days of her life” (Proverbs 31:12).

This verse is essentially explaining some of the qualities of a good wife.

Immediately after the verse popped into my head, I heard the words “that doesn’t have to start when you meet the person, that can be right now.”

“ALL of the days of her life.”

Even these days. These groundhog days. These endless hours of whatever-you-choose-to-fill-them-with days.

The decisions we make now are just as important now as any other time. Are we making decisions right now that will ultimately bring our future husbands or wives good and not harm all of the days of their lives?

Right now, it may feel okay to entertain that random text message or let that person come over because times are strange but how will this affect the very thing you’ve been having faith for; for possibly years now?

Hebrews 11:1 Defines faith as “the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.”

In this season it feels like a lot of things are unknown and unseen but as always, the only person I can control is me. I can’t control God’s timing or if He has someone for me or not and let’s be real; in life that’s not a guarantee or a promise, period.

In my situation, I believe that God does have someone for me but even if it doesn’t happen, my intention is that I live a life where I set myself up in the best position to receive the love I desire and make proactive choices to get there.

It is important to me that my heart position is pure; to wait for the right man and to set my life up even in singleness in a way that I am a blessing to Him when our paths do cross. This is not passively waiting. This is action-based and I like that.

Like any other dream, you do what you know to do, don’t give up and continue working towards it in faith.

Whatever this means for you in your own particular situation, you know.

Perhaps the most common barrier is the concept that the seat next to you can’t be open for the right person if it’s being occupied by the wrong person; whether that means you’re actually physically with someone you know in your heart isn’t the right one or someone is inappropriately taking up so much space in your thoughts that you might as well be with them.

I know no one wants to hear that but I’m not telling you something I haven’t personally gone through myself and if you need help walking away from someone or something feel free to message me and I’m happy to listen and encourage you through it.

Sometimes it’s hard to believe that better exists in a culture where we’re bombarded with examples that show hook-ups, short attention spans and fickleness as the norm. But those are lies.

I remember when I was in the heights of my experimental days and I was making super interesting choices in my love life.

My mom would tell me, “Danielle, you can do so much better.”

I would respond, “okay, show me better then!”

I had lost hope that better existed and on top of that I was impatient so it was easy to settle in my heart that what I was coming across was all there was and accept almost any kind of treatment.

However, I have witnessed that there are still plenty of people out there who desire and are ready to build a healthy, fun, flourishing and life-giving relationship and are happy to commit to work to continue to growing that connection in marriage.

If you start to doubt this, consider any real-life examples you know of healthy (but of course not perfect) couples and cling tightly to those and don’t let go.

It doesn’t matter if it’s 2020 and the general consensus is that this type of love doesn’t exist anymore. Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever (Hebrews 13:8) and He is still all about relationships that take place within the safe and supportive environment of lifelong commitment.

He, himself is a God of honesty, of loyalty, of covenant. He knows what you need in every season of your life. Pandemic or not, it’s still okay to be bold, counter-cultural and crazy enough to trust Him completely with your love life.

xoxo ❤

Danielle

End of the year cleanse: detoxing from limiting beliefs

December 16, 2019encouragement, Faith, Healing, tips, UncategorizedLeave a Comment

My 6-year-old self in the polka dot dress with the pink belt. At my childhood friend’s Birthday party where a clown told me to sit down, November 1994.

The end of 2019 is rapidly approaching and I am, as I assume many of us are, reflecting on this past year; the struggles and the triumphs. As I take inventory and put everything from this year into perspective, one thing I realize I want to leave behind in 2019 are all of my limiting beliefs.

A limiting belief is a restrictive thought or idea that we accept as truth which holds us down and can cripple us in our efforts to achieve all that we are meant to. Limiting beliefs are often formed through past experiences and can feel extremely difficult to overcome.

Here I will share two limiting beliefs I have identified in my own life and two ways I am purging them from my system. The examples I chose to share here are intentionally drawn from light-hearted experiences; my objective with this isn’t to dive deep into my and other people’s more disturbing past personal traumas but instead just to show that even these innocent and seemingly insignificant examples still produced powerful limiting beliefs; so how much greater are the effects of the darker experiences we’ve had? God help us to heal from all of the experiences which have hindered us, whether big or small.

Two of my limiting beliefs:

“It’s okay for everyone else to step out and go for it…but not you”

I can vividly recall an experience at my friend’s 5^th birthday party where there was a clown giving out balloon animals. The clown was going down the rows of children and distributing the balloons to each child in the order we were sitting in but at a certain point kids just started jumping up randomly and taking other kid’s balloons before it was their turn. The clown and everyone else laughed as each of these kids intercepted the kid who should have been next. After 2 or 3 kids jumped up and received their balloons before their rightful turn, I thought it would be fun to join in. I jumped up and expected to receive a balloon and also the laughs just as the children before me had. However, by the time I hopped up, the clown was over it and sternly said to me, “okay now that’s enough, sit down” and refused to give me a balloon until the end. So instead of the light-hearted response the other kids had received, when I stepped out I was met with a harsh response and I had no context to understand why but the message that was firmly implanted in my head was “it’s okay for everyone else to step out and go for it…but not you.”

Winning first place in the Field Day Race. I am the little one all the way to the right. Rock Springs Elementary School, March 1996.

“You aren’t allowed to win or outshine others”

I remember as a little girl I enjoyed running; and I was fast! I was so fast that I actually took home the ribbon for winning first place in the race portion during our Field Day activities my first grade year. I remember I knew I was a good runner and I was proud of that and unafraid to give it my all during the race. However, after I won the race that day, I remember something unexpected happened. Instead of feeling excited and accomplished, I remember an intense feeling of guilt washed over me. While I don’t remember if there were specific words that were spoken to me to put me down, I do just remember feeling extremely ashamed that I won. I felt that by my achievement, I was indirectly communicating to the other kids that I felt I was somehow better than them and that made me feel discomfort due to the fact that I had overshadowed them. The belief that was formed around that experience was “you aren’t allowed to win or outshine others.” When I got a little older and began pursuing acting I carried this mindset into audition situations even having the conscious thought that I would almost prefer someone else to get a role instead of me because if I beat them, I didn’t want them to feel inadequate. I actively fought against my conflicting desire to want to book things and my strange inclination to feel more comfortable loosing to someone else so I wouldn’t make them “feel bad” or so they wouldn’t secretly dislike me for winning something over them.

So how am I washing away these limiting beliefs?

1. Re-examining past situations.

It has helped me to pick apart the situations of the past as an adult in the present day, looking at them and explaining them back to myself and seeing the reality of the situation; what happened and what it actually meant. That clown wasn’t trying to single me out but was just likely frustrated and trying to maintain order and do his job to the best of his ability. The kids who lost to me in the Field Day Race may have felt disappointed but that doesn’t change the fact that I earned the win that day; fair and square. There was nothing to feel bad or ashamed of.

2. Holding my limiting beliefs up against the word of God.

After I became a believer and I learned about all of the promises of God: God has a plan for us and His plans for us are good (Jeremiah 29:11), He can strengthen us (Philippians 4:13), He gives us new chances every day (Lamentations 3:22-23), He tells us to be brave and promises He will never leave or forsake us (Deuteronomy 31:6) I began to realize that a lot my limited beliefs just had to go. I came to realize that this God I was beginning to know and trust is way more patient with me than I am with myself and that it’s okay to be imperfect; if I try my best and fall down, I’m encouraged to get back up. I am allowed to step out; to shine.

So, what are some of your limiting beliefs? Let’s examine them and get to the truth behind them so we can shake off the outdated lies and enter into 2020 lighter and full of a new hope for all of the beauty this new year will bring ❤

xoxo, Danielle

For all of the encouragers out there: six ways I stay fueled up to love others

November 25, 2019November 25, 2019encouragement, Faith, Healing, tips, UncategorizedLeave a Comment

Stopping to smell the roses in Colorado Springs, September 2015.

In one of my recent Instagram stories I asked if anyone had any requests for topics and someone submitted a wonderful one that myself and likely many others can relate to. They wrote:

“The weight of giving; it can be draining and unrewarding, depending on how people react or acknowledge it. How do you balance that?”

This topic reminds me of this time a few years ago when I felt really let down by a friend of mine. One day I was hiking Griffith Park and wrestling with how poorly I felt she had treated me when I felt like I had only ever gone out of my way to be a really good friend to her. When I reached the top of the mountain, in the stillness overlooking the city, I felt a question being posed to me: “if your ‘niceness’ is dependent on how kind other people are to you, how ‘good’ or ‘nice’ are you really?” I felt like this sounded like something Jesus would say so I did some research and sure enough it was:

“If you love only those who love you, what reward is there for that? Even corrupt tax collectors do that much” Matthew 5:46.

The experience with that friend was painful but I feel like God used it to take me on a journey of learning to navigate the fun and sometimes difficult road of trying to be a giver and encourager in a dark and confusing world. I am by no means perfect at this but here are a few things that help me immensely to keep on keeping on.

Six ways I stay fueled up to love others:

Embrace my #Extra. When I first became a Christian, I didn’t totally know what to do with myself. I was used to living life with no brakes and going “all in.” I thought, “what is something healthy I can go ‘all in’ with now?” One day, a verse in Galatians caught my eye: “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law” Galatians 5:22-23.

The “against such things there is no law” part really stood out to me. So, when I didn’t know what to do with myself, I would go hard in joy. I aggressively pursued peace both internally and externally. I would challenge myself to be more patient, kind and loving. I began celebrating the victories of those around me and would try to make even the tiniest special occasion elaborate and fun. People recognized my passion and excitement and started calling me “extra” so I just radically embraced this and ran with it. Today I look up and I am surrounded by friends who also like to celebrate life like no other which has made the journey all the sweeter.

2. Accept that pain and vulnerability are just the price tags of caring. When I first opened my heart to Jesus I felt like I was suddenly stripped of all of my defenses. There was a sudden shift inside of me where I found myself naturally growing into a more sensitive, tuned-in person, aware of and caring about the emotions and experiences of the people around me. I have heard before that you can’t selectively numb emotions; trying to keep the bad out has a way of keeping the good out too and I feel like I’ve learned that first-hand. The more you are open and care the more you are susceptible to hurt and that is just the way it is.

3. Be consistent with self-care. It’s very hard to pour out of an empty cup. I check-in with myself multiple times throughout the day and make sure I am taking care of my own needs mentally, physically and emotionally.

4. Spend time with God. When I stay filled up spiritually by spending time with God, I find myself more naturally feeling loving and patient towards others. The days when I make it a point to immerse myself in prayer, journaling, worship and reading the Word there is a protective container around my heart that empowers me to keep going even when things feel really hard.

5. Tease out the details and create boundaries accordingly. I have begun to notice there are three components present in whatever I’m dealing with: my feelings/actions/reactions, the other person’s feelings/actions/reactions and then the communal space of the situation between us. Trying to own my truth and also allowing them to own theirs while using boundaries to respectfully manage how much I want to give, say, etc. in the shared space between us allows freedom and authenticity in the vast majority of situations.

6. Evaluate my actions and stop taking things so personally. Am I giving just to get? We are all human so it’s hard to do things completely selflessly but trying to make sure that I’m doing things just because I want to regardless of the response has helped me a lot. The majority of people are just caught up and trying to manage their lives the same way I am and things are rarely personal. Easing up off myself and others has taken an immense weight off of shoulders. As one finite being, there’s only so much I can do for anyone and only so much anyone else can do for me.

What is your perspective on seeking to do good and what helps you keep going when it feels difficult?

Regardless of people’s reactions or the disappointments along the way, please continue to give. The world needs what you have ❤

xoxo, Danielle

Five tips for approaching and getting to know the girl who seems like she doesn’t need a man

October 26, 2019Dating, Healing, relationships, Singleness, tips, UncategorizedLeave a Comment

Southworth Ferry on a trip to Seattle, October 2014.

“Some guys look at a girl who seems to have everything together and think ‘where would I fit in?’ For a lot of guys that can be intimidating.”

This is only one comment from a series of recent conversations I’ve had with male friends echoing the general sentiments about feeling like they can’t win with women.

It hurts my heart to see decent men frustrated and discouraged and with this post I hope to empower and encourage. The following are my tips and my own unique perspective on this topic through the eyes of a girl who seems like she doesn’t need a man.

Know that when you approach her she most likely views you as an annoyance and a distraction. This is less likely to be the case if she got to know you gradually over time in a neutral environment such as work, through a friend or common interest group of some sort. However, if you are cold approaching her, know this is likely what she is thinking. I’m not condoning this mindset and on behalf of my own missteps and for every stank-eye you’ve ever received, I am sorry. A woman may genuinely just not currently be in the right headspace to get to know a man for various reasons or may simply not be interested in you specifically. When I’ve felt this way it is usually because I interpreted the man’s approach as a demand on my time, energy, body, mind and heart; all things I hold closely and when you’re in a good place, it can feel like adding someone new into the mix could be a potential threat to all of those things.
But be honest with yourself: do you bring with you a lot of unresolved tendencies that could actually translate into unnecessary trouble for her? We are all a work in progress and she’s definitely not perfect whatsoever but reflect on where you are: do you have boundaries, standards, passions and purposes of your own? Do you have a healthy degree of self-awareness and willingness to work through your own weaknesses? Are your intentions towards her as just a fellow human being good? If you’ve reflected on these points and you have a reasonable level of confidence, be brave and go for it. In the initial approach just be self-assured and don’t overthink it too much; just treat her like a person.
Don’t worry about putting on a show, just focus on bringing value. If this girl has been on her own for a while, takes care of herself and has a full and vibrant life I can imagine that a man may wonder if there’s any space for him. She may be perfectly content on her own but there’s one thing that she for sure doesn’t have; you. This is an invitation to dig deeper. Everyone has blind spots and things that can only be ignited in them through interacting with another person. This will be different for every woman but examples of bringing value could be: you have a different point of view from hers; bring it to the table. Gently challenge her to expand her mind and think in a way she previously hadn’t. Be an active part of her growth. Help her in practical ways and encourage her towards her goals. Welcome her to bounce ideas off of you and allow your masculine perspective to be a resource available to her as she navigates situations. Be an asset and not a liability in her life. Also allow yourself to open up enough to accept and enjoy reciprocity as it will likely be her desire to add value to your life as well.
Be flexible but maintain your backbone. She most likely is a genuinely busy person so your respect of her time and schedule will mean the world to her. She may be working through subconscious defense mechanisms or old patterns and that may require patience and understanding on your part as you build mutual trust. However, don’t allow her busyness to be an excuse for flakiness or her working through her issues to be an excuse for a lack of control over her emotions. A sign she is in a healthy place to get to know you will be her possessing a collaborative partner-type mentality coming from a place of humility where she will actively seek to understand things from your point of view. You will sense that your preferences and feelings are not only important to her but openly embraced and welcomed at the table.
Be patient, go slowly and don’t take things personally. If for example you offer help with something and she’s hesitant or refuses to accept, don’t take it as rejection. Accepting help from someone is an act of vulnerability because “what if he doesn’t come through?” Again, allow that mutual trust to build and see if she is more receptive to what you offer and in going to a deeper level with you. Going slow is for your sake too; your time and heart are worthy.

Truth be told, just because a woman can function without a man doesn’t mean that she doesn’t want one. Men, I hope these words have helped to dismantle the lies that you are disposable, unnecessary afterthoughts and have been replaced with the truths that you are valuable, important and yes, you are wanted.

Single for the First Time (My Story, part 2)

October 8, 2019April 26, 2021Faith, Healing, Singleness, tipsLeave a Comment

First time in San Francisco with one of my best friends, a few weeks into my process in September 2015.

This is a part 2 to the post where I covered the immediate steps I took the first few weeks after breaking my constant pattern of relationship/situation-ships.

Part 2 is perhaps more practical and applicable, covering some of the intentional things I did that helped set the stage for a fresh start and helped open the door to a new life.

I listened primarily to ambient music only. Ambient music is a collection of flowing rhythms and beats, usually without any lyrics. This genre sparked my interest because I didn’t want to listen to music that would be suggestive to my subconscious and lead me to dwell on negative emotions. I believe the power of music is strong and I didn’t want to be subjected to receiving repetitive themes of missing someone, being lonely, wanting someone back or just wanting love in general. This strong boundary I created around the music I allowed myself to consume helped me immensely and enabled me to relax into the healing power of music without absorbing the intense emotions artists are capable of imparting through their words.
I poured my energy into cultivating things of beauty. At the time I had just moved into a new apartment, which was essentially a blank canvas at the time. I literally started out with nothing other than a blow-up mattress and I was excited to dive deep into the entire experience of turning my new space into a home. I ended up creating an oasis of tranquility which I still cherish to this day. I drew inspiration from Pinterest and took my time; enjoying many little trips browsing stores for things that would help me create the laid-back, cozy and inviting vibe I desired. I also did a ton of cooking and baking during this time. I have always enjoyed being in the kitchen but during this time, the calming and fun process of learning how to make new and yummy creations felt extra therapeutic, enjoyable and empowering. I also did a lot of totally meticulous, mind-numbing art projects just for enjoyment and mental distraction. I went to the art store one day and dropped about $100 on paint, blank canvases, different fabrics, materials and textures. I made sure each project consisted of mindless activity that wasn’t too much to focus on yet was tedious and would keep my brain occupied instead of allowing it to wander wherever it felt like. I made a room divider completely from scratch out of hemp string among several other things and I was super proud of my little creations.
I cleansed myself of any items tying me to the past. One morning I woke up at around 5 am and got the strong urge to get rid of everything from the past. Letters, pictures, and even certain pieces of lingerie just had to go. I got McDonalds breakfast before the sun came up and drove through the hills until I reached one of my favorite look-out points on the top of Mulholland Drive. I sat on the hood of my car admiring the view and the quiet of the morning. After moments of contemplation and knowing that this chapter was finally closed, I dumped everything into the trashcan up there just as the sun began to rise over the city. This wasn’t done from an emotional or spiteful place but more because I knew deep down it was just the right thing to do.
I journaled prolifically. I have always enjoyed writing and have kept journals since I was a teenager. During this time the deepest thoughts, experiences and questions I had to the most mundane details of my day; it all went down on paper. And I loved every moment of it.
I went on sweet adventures with the people I love. I allowed myself to be captivated by the wonder of new environments. Most memorably during this time, I spent time with one of my best childhood friends exploring San Francisco for the first time. I also took a spontaneous day trip with one of my girlfriends down to San Diego where we marveled at the beauty and majesty of La Jolla.

I look back at this time with such fond memories. It was a time of taking chances; walking bravely into the unknown and encountering some of my deepest fears but ultimately finding out that everything was okay; it was actually way better than just okay. We were created to be far more resilient than we think we are.

Now you tell me! What are some of the experiences you’ve had after ending a relationship(s) or just making a major change in your life? What are your fears, struggles, triumphs? I love you, believe in you and I’m cheering for you to win ❤

Single for the First Time (My Story, Part 1)

September 23, 2019April 20, 2021Faith, Healing, Singleness1 Comment

Spending time in the Colorado mountains days before making one of the biggest decisions of my life; to become truly single for the first time ever. September 2015.

All my life, I was the girl who was never without a guy. From age 15 to 24 I was in a serious, long-term relationship. That relationship ended. For the three years following that, I lived my life indulging in unrestrained freedom; doing literally whatever I felt like doing. I dated and did my thing at my discretion.

It all looked like fun on the surface but I could feel my recklessness catching up with me. Why did I have zero peace; in my mind and in my heart?

The weight of the darkness I had dabbled in all in the name of YOLO, the bottomless pit of emptiness and the looming feeling of the purposelessness of my life were things that nice makeup and a bright white smile couldn’t conceal anymore.

Even the Facebook pictures chronicling my escapades began to feel weighty and fake and made me wonder; “what am I doing all of this for? I’m not happy.”

There was so much evidence showing me I needed to break off from my latest guy and make some serious life changes. I felt invisibly chained to my own patterns and circumstances; powerless to move forward.

I was stuck between wanting desperately to change my life but being completely horrified to do so.

I found myself turning to an unlikely source, a Christian friend; the only one I had at the time. I wasn’t the type to ever willingly step foot inside the doors of a church. I didn’t even know whether I believed in God or not but I was at the end of my rope.

My friend was very uplifting and seemed to always do the right thing. I’d never even heard her curse. It appeared to me that she had her life together, so I felt like maybe she could give me good advice. I believe God used her to do just that. I asked her:

“Do you think God rewards us when we do the right thing…even if it’s something that’s really hard for us to do?”

She responded with a sweet and certain “yes.”

Her simple answer was all of the assurance I needed to have confidence that there was something better waiting for me; if only I could be brave enough and strong enough to do what I knew needed to be done.

This teeny tiny bit of hope I felt was my “mustard seed of faith” (Matthew 17:20) and at that time, that was all I needed.

I took the leap and cut off all of the random guys in my life.

Less than three months later, I accepted Christ.

I thought it may be useful to write out my journey for anyone who may feel a hard tugging on their heart to leave someone (or multiple someones).

I urge you, sister-to-sister: if you have that nagging “knowing” feeling deep down inside of you that you need to break up or leave the situation-ship that is draining you way more than it is lifting you up but you feel totally stuck, I hope this gives you just enough hope as my friend did with me to believe that better days are ahead. No matter how scary it may feel right now, if you jump, Christ will catch you and help you every step along the way. You are not alone, uncared for or unloved. This I know.

So, here are my stumbling, fumbling first few weeks of being single for the first time ever. I didn’t know what I was doing at all so this is not a blueprint or advice as much as it is encouragement that if Miss Always-Got-A-Man could do this, anyone can.

There was no real plan, method or rationale to my process but this is what I did:

I Went Cold Turkey

After making the necessary phone call and having the final conversation, I blocked the number. A little while after, I lost my cellphone and took that as an organic opportunity to get not only a new phone but a new phone number. I blocked all social media. I was serious and I knew I needed to do a hard reset.

I Sat in My Feelings

I let all I felt wash over me without hiding or distracting myself. I didn’t “get under someone new to get over someone else.” I forced myself to stay alone in the discomfort of the fear, the sadness, the quietness. I cried and punched my pillow and I just let it all flow.

Since I never took time for myself in between guys, I was not just feeling the absence of the latest one but instead I was finally feeling the weight of every man left behind that I had always just numbed by jumping right to the next one.

3. I Rested Unapologetically

I remember feeling like a cellphone with the charge on zero percent. My job at the time alternated between being super busy and then having huge amounts of downtime where I didn’t work so I was afforded the opportunity to do nothing for a pretty long span of time. I did a lot of nothing.

There were long stretches of days where I didn’t leave my apartment, turn on the lights or even open up the blinds. I let my body sleep for as long as it felt like it. I was determined to detox completely from the habit of always having someone there for entertainment and validation. I wanted to break the physical addiction of automatic access to comfort and pleasure.

I Slowly Started Seeking Light and Safe Stimulation

After a few weeks of literal hibernation, I slowly began to visualize in my mind that my battery, previously dead, was now slowly turning into a thin green line of charge but I still wasn’t really desiring any major interaction with the outside world.

I started surfing YouTube for some light-hearted entertainment and landed on the Hodgetwins YouTube channel. I would binge watch video after video and just laugh. I started incorporating nightly trips to the Del Taco drive-thru during this time & filled up on whatever I wanted which at the time mostly consisted of a few vegetarian hard tacos, French fries and a large Coke Zero.

I Stuck to My Guns and Resisted the Strong Temptation to Reach out

I remember at exactly the one-month mark when I was enjoying what had become my typical nightly indulgence of Hodgetwins and Del Taco when out of nowhere I suddenly felt a strong and forceful push urging me to reach out to the same guy I was completely certain that I needed to move on from.

I logically knew that wasn’t good for me and most confusing of all, I knew it wasn’t even what I actually wanted to do. It was the strangest sensation of feeling as though I was being violently and repetitively bullied by a force outside of myself to do something that would actually cause me harm.

At the time I knew nothing about God or the bible or anything but after white-knuckling it through the abnormally extreme intensity of the mental torment of that night, I now believe that this was my first clear and memorable experience with spiritual warfare.

When I woke up the next morning after conquering the battle raging inside my mind that night, the overwhelming urge to reach out to or see that person had lifted completely and it never returned again. I had passed the test. It was James 4:7 playing out in real time.

….Part 2 Coming Soon!