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Walking collectively with a limp: Life halfway through 2020

June 26, 2020June 27, 2020encouragement, Faith, Healing, hope, Uncategorized2 Comments

Walking. Vancouver, Canada. Summer 2016. Photo credit @jen_yeager

The Year of 20/20 Vision. Perfect Focus. Clarity.

Towards the end of 2019, the year 2020 was being prophesied about enthusiastically.

“This is going be my year,” many people felt.

For me, 2019 was a year of great leaps. It was the year I happily began sharing my story of the radical transformation that God has done in my life and connecting with others in the hopes of encouraging them that they can overcome anything.

It was also the year I felt ready to open my heart romantically again after about 3 ½ years of not dating whatsoever.

I learned so much in 2019 and grew in ways I never anticipated.

However, the very end of 2019 hit me like a series of unrelenting tidal waves: a handful of personal relationships ended, an event team I loved cut the program I worked on and my family rang in 2020 with the funeral of my brother’s best friend all the way since childhood who passed away tragically and unexpectedly on New Year’s Day.

At the start of 2020 I didn’t write very much because honestly, I didn’t know what to say. I wanted to uplift others and yet my own faith was hanging on by a thread.

I just thank God so much for work. Having an extremely full schedule during this time softened the blows of this season and forced me to keep walking forward; although literally every step I took, it felt like I was limping.

As I wrestled daily through my own feelings of sadness and hollowness, I was in communication with several friends who began confiding in me about their own bumpy starts to 2020: deaths on top of deaths, rejections, traumas and setbacks.

It felt like a dark cloud hovering over what was supposed to be such a great year.

Around March I finally began to feel strong again and that’s when “2020” as we know it thus far truly hit. And it just kept on hitting:

World-wide pandemic. Shut-down. Uncertainty. Sickness. Death. Racism and racial injustice brought unignorably to the forefront.

I was on church Zoom calls where stories of sicknesses and deaths of family members were a sad reality. I attended a Zoom funeral.

I’ve listened as several of my closest black friends and family members opened their hearts on a whole new level. They have been vulnerable enough to let me into their sacred spaces of pain and elaborate on the true depths and realities of their own experiences of the indisputable, blatant and repeated racism they have faced throughout their lives.

I’ve felt the worries and sadness of close friends who have brothers and husbands who are in law enforcement and who are genuinely some of the good guys.

I’ve spoken with friends with pre-existing anxiety and depression who have felt driven to the edge due to months of isolation and uncertainty.

Mass job losses and relocations. Passions, plans and dreams put on hold; indefinitely.

It’s been a season of almost all of us coming face-to-face with the unpredictable, uncontrollable, harshest and darkest realities of life.

Six months into 2020 and it feels like the entire human race is collectively limping.

Sitting in contemplation of all of this makes me wonder: what if the truth is that we’re always limping but we just don’t notice it until times are desperate?

What if the way that this time is affecting almost all of us in some kind of profound way is just evidence of the fragility of the human condition?

Maybe we are always this delicate but life going on as normal allows us the illusion of feeling somewhat in control.

In reality, we’re always just a phone call away from things never being the same.

One heart beat away from facing the inevitability of our own life slipping away.

But what if 2020 really is the year of 20/20 vision after all; maybe just not in the way that we thought?

Isaiah 55:9 says “For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.”

While our original goals for 2020 may have been noble, maybe God’s priorities for this year are even higher.

Maybe through the midst of our collective pain He wants to heal us and simultaneously refine and guide us to grow in strength, endurance, hope and humility and expand our capacity for empathy and compassion.

Maybe He wants to deal with us individually and guide us to right our wrongs, challenge our mindsets and bring all of the things that are really important to the surface.

Marinating on all that life has thrown our way this year and everything that has been laid-out in front of us, I think #goals for the second half of the year would be to slowly progress from limping to walking in power and righteousness as described in Micah 6:8:

“The Lord has told you what is good, and this is what He requires of you; to do what is right, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God.”

I hope as you finish reading this you receive peace to endure your present circumstances and a sense of renewed strength to walk boldly into your future.

I also hope we don’t all move on too quickly from remembering how it feels to be so collectively shaken. I hope and pray that our hearts stay soft enough and our minds stay open enough to continue to contemplate life; where we’ve come from and where we are going ❤

xoxo,

Danielle

End of the year cleanse: detoxing from limiting beliefs

December 16, 2019encouragement, Faith, Healing, tips, UncategorizedLeave a Comment

My 6-year-old self in the polka dot dress with the pink belt. At my childhood friend’s Birthday party where a clown told me to sit down, November 1994.

The end of 2019 is rapidly approaching and I am, as I assume many of us are, reflecting on this past year; the struggles and the triumphs. As I take inventory and put everything from this year into perspective, one thing I realize I want to leave behind in 2019 are all of my limiting beliefs.

A limiting belief is a restrictive thought or idea that we accept as truth which holds us down and can cripple us in our efforts to achieve all that we are meant to. Limiting beliefs are often formed through past experiences and can feel extremely difficult to overcome.

Here I will share two limiting beliefs I have identified in my own life and two ways I am purging them from my system. The examples I chose to share here are intentionally drawn from light-hearted experiences; my objective with this isn’t to dive deep into my and other people’s more disturbing past personal traumas but instead just to show that even these innocent and seemingly insignificant examples still produced powerful limiting beliefs; so how much greater are the effects of the darker experiences we’ve had? God help us to heal from all of the experiences which have hindered us, whether big or small.

Two of my limiting beliefs:

“It’s okay for everyone else to step out and go for it…but not you”

I can vividly recall an experience at my friend’s 5^th birthday party where there was a clown giving out balloon animals. The clown was going down the rows of children and distributing the balloons to each child in the order we were sitting in but at a certain point kids just started jumping up randomly and taking other kid’s balloons before it was their turn. The clown and everyone else laughed as each of these kids intercepted the kid who should have been next. After 2 or 3 kids jumped up and received their balloons before their rightful turn, I thought it would be fun to join in. I jumped up and expected to receive a balloon and also the laughs just as the children before me had. However, by the time I hopped up, the clown was over it and sternly said to me, “okay now that’s enough, sit down” and refused to give me a balloon until the end. So instead of the light-hearted response the other kids had received, when I stepped out I was met with a harsh response and I had no context to understand why but the message that was firmly implanted in my head was “it’s okay for everyone else to step out and go for it…but not you.”

Winning first place in the Field Day Race. I am the little one all the way to the right. Rock Springs Elementary School, March 1996.

“You aren’t allowed to win or outshine others”

I remember as a little girl I enjoyed running; and I was fast! I was so fast that I actually took home the ribbon for winning first place in the race portion during our Field Day activities my first grade year. I remember I knew I was a good runner and I was proud of that and unafraid to give it my all during the race. However, after I won the race that day, I remember something unexpected happened. Instead of feeling excited and accomplished, I remember an intense feeling of guilt washed over me. While I don’t remember if there were specific words that were spoken to me to put me down, I do just remember feeling extremely ashamed that I won. I felt that by my achievement, I was indirectly communicating to the other kids that I felt I was somehow better than them and that made me feel discomfort due to the fact that I had overshadowed them. The belief that was formed around that experience was “you aren’t allowed to win or outshine others.” When I got a little older and began pursuing acting I carried this mindset into audition situations even having the conscious thought that I would almost prefer someone else to get a role instead of me because if I beat them, I didn’t want them to feel inadequate. I actively fought against my conflicting desire to want to book things and my strange inclination to feel more comfortable loosing to someone else so I wouldn’t make them “feel bad” or so they wouldn’t secretly dislike me for winning something over them.

So how am I washing away these limiting beliefs?

1. Re-examining past situations.

It has helped me to pick apart the situations of the past as an adult in the present day, looking at them and explaining them back to myself and seeing the reality of the situation; what happened and what it actually meant. That clown wasn’t trying to single me out but was just likely frustrated and trying to maintain order and do his job to the best of his ability. The kids who lost to me in the Field Day Race may have felt disappointed but that doesn’t change the fact that I earned the win that day; fair and square. There was nothing to feel bad or ashamed of.

2. Holding my limiting beliefs up against the word of God.

After I became a believer and I learned about all of the promises of God: God has a plan for us and His plans for us are good (Jeremiah 29:11), He can strengthen us (Philippians 4:13), He gives us new chances every day (Lamentations 3:22-23), He tells us to be brave and promises He will never leave or forsake us (Deuteronomy 31:6) I began to realize that a lot my limited beliefs just had to go. I came to realize that this God I was beginning to know and trust is way more patient with me than I am with myself and that it’s okay to be imperfect; if I try my best and fall down, I’m encouraged to get back up. I am allowed to step out; to shine.

So, what are some of your limiting beliefs? Let’s examine them and get to the truth behind them so we can shake off the outdated lies and enter into 2020 lighter and full of a new hope for all of the beauty this new year will bring ❤

xoxo, Danielle

For all of the encouragers out there: six ways I stay fueled up to love others

November 25, 2019November 25, 2019encouragement, Faith, Healing, tips, UncategorizedLeave a Comment

Stopping to smell the roses in Colorado Springs, September 2015.

In one of my recent Instagram stories I asked if anyone had any requests for topics and someone submitted a wonderful one that myself and likely many others can relate to. They wrote:

“The weight of giving; it can be draining and unrewarding, depending on how people react or acknowledge it. How do you balance that?”

This topic reminds me of this time a few years ago when I felt really let down by a friend of mine. One day I was hiking Griffith Park and wrestling with how poorly I felt she had treated me when I felt like I had only ever gone out of my way to be a really good friend to her. When I reached the top of the mountain, in the stillness overlooking the city, I felt a question being posed to me: “if your ‘niceness’ is dependent on how kind other people are to you, how ‘good’ or ‘nice’ are you really?” I felt like this sounded like something Jesus would say so I did some research and sure enough it was:

“If you love only those who love you, what reward is there for that? Even corrupt tax collectors do that much” Matthew 5:46.

The experience with that friend was painful but I feel like God used it to take me on a journey of learning to navigate the fun and sometimes difficult road of trying to be a giver and encourager in a dark and confusing world. I am by no means perfect at this but here are a few things that help me immensely to keep on keeping on.

Six ways I stay fueled up to love others:

Embrace my #Extra. When I first became a Christian, I didn’t totally know what to do with myself. I was used to living life with no brakes and going “all in.” I thought, “what is something healthy I can go ‘all in’ with now?” One day, a verse in Galatians caught my eye: “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law” Galatians 5:22-23.

The “against such things there is no law” part really stood out to me. So, when I didn’t know what to do with myself, I would go hard in joy. I aggressively pursued peace both internally and externally. I would challenge myself to be more patient, kind and loving. I began celebrating the victories of those around me and would try to make even the tiniest special occasion elaborate and fun. People recognized my passion and excitement and started calling me “extra” so I just radically embraced this and ran with it. Today I look up and I am surrounded by friends who also like to celebrate life like no other which has made the journey all the sweeter.

2. Accept that pain and vulnerability are just the price tags of caring. When I first opened my heart to Jesus I felt like I was suddenly stripped of all of my defenses. There was a sudden shift inside of me where I found myself naturally growing into a more sensitive, tuned-in person, aware of and caring about the emotions and experiences of the people around me. I have heard before that you can’t selectively numb emotions; trying to keep the bad out has a way of keeping the good out too and I feel like I’ve learned that first-hand. The more you are open and care the more you are susceptible to hurt and that is just the way it is.

3. Be consistent with self-care. It’s very hard to pour out of an empty cup. I check-in with myself multiple times throughout the day and make sure I am taking care of my own needs mentally, physically and emotionally.

4. Spend time with God. When I stay filled up spiritually by spending time with God, I find myself more naturally feeling loving and patient towards others. The days when I make it a point to immerse myself in prayer, journaling, worship and reading the Word there is a protective container around my heart that empowers me to keep going even when things feel really hard.

5. Tease out the details and create boundaries accordingly. I have begun to notice there are three components present in whatever I’m dealing with: my feelings/actions/reactions, the other person’s feelings/actions/reactions and then the communal space of the situation between us. Trying to own my truth and also allowing them to own theirs while using boundaries to respectfully manage how much I want to give, say, etc. in the shared space between us allows freedom and authenticity in the vast majority of situations.

6. Evaluate my actions and stop taking things so personally. Am I giving just to get? We are all human so it’s hard to do things completely selflessly but trying to make sure that I’m doing things just because I want to regardless of the response has helped me a lot. The majority of people are just caught up and trying to manage their lives the same way I am and things are rarely personal. Easing up off myself and others has taken an immense weight off of shoulders. As one finite being, there’s only so much I can do for anyone and only so much anyone else can do for me.

What is your perspective on seeking to do good and what helps you keep going when it feels difficult?

Regardless of people’s reactions or the disappointments along the way, please continue to give. The world needs what you have ❤

xoxo, Danielle

Five tips for approaching and getting to know the girl who seems like she doesn’t need a man

October 26, 2019Dating, Healing, relationships, Singleness, tips, UncategorizedLeave a Comment

Southworth Ferry on a trip to Seattle, October 2014.

“Some guys look at a girl who seems to have everything together and think ‘where would I fit in?’ For a lot of guys that can be intimidating.”

This is only one comment from a series of recent conversations I’ve had with male friends echoing the general sentiments about feeling like they can’t win with women.

It hurts my heart to see decent men frustrated and discouraged and with this post I hope to empower and encourage. The following are my tips and my own unique perspective on this topic through the eyes of a girl who seems like she doesn’t need a man.

Know that when you approach her she most likely views you as an annoyance and a distraction. This is less likely to be the case if she got to know you gradually over time in a neutral environment such as work, through a friend or common interest group of some sort. However, if you are cold approaching her, know this is likely what she is thinking. I’m not condoning this mindset and on behalf of my own missteps and for every stank-eye you’ve ever received, I am sorry. A woman may genuinely just not currently be in the right headspace to get to know a man for various reasons or may simply not be interested in you specifically. When I’ve felt this way it is usually because I interpreted the man’s approach as a demand on my time, energy, body, mind and heart; all things I hold closely and when you’re in a good place, it can feel like adding someone new into the mix could be a potential threat to all of those things.
But be honest with yourself: do you bring with you a lot of unresolved tendencies that could actually translate into unnecessary trouble for her? We are all a work in progress and she’s definitely not perfect whatsoever but reflect on where you are: do you have boundaries, standards, passions and purposes of your own? Do you have a healthy degree of self-awareness and willingness to work through your own weaknesses? Are your intentions towards her as just a fellow human being good? If you’ve reflected on these points and you have a reasonable level of confidence, be brave and go for it. In the initial approach just be self-assured and don’t overthink it too much; just treat her like a person.
Don’t worry about putting on a show, just focus on bringing value. If this girl has been on her own for a while, takes care of herself and has a full and vibrant life I can imagine that a man may wonder if there’s any space for him. She may be perfectly content on her own but there’s one thing that she for sure doesn’t have; you. This is an invitation to dig deeper. Everyone has blind spots and things that can only be ignited in them through interacting with another person. This will be different for every woman but examples of bringing value could be: you have a different point of view from hers; bring it to the table. Gently challenge her to expand her mind and think in a way she previously hadn’t. Be an active part of her growth. Help her in practical ways and encourage her towards her goals. Welcome her to bounce ideas off of you and allow your masculine perspective to be a resource available to her as she navigates situations. Be an asset and not a liability in her life. Also allow yourself to open up enough to accept and enjoy reciprocity as it will likely be her desire to add value to your life as well.
Be flexible but maintain your backbone. She most likely is a genuinely busy person so your respect of her time and schedule will mean the world to her. She may be working through subconscious defense mechanisms or old patterns and that may require patience and understanding on your part as you build mutual trust. However, don’t allow her busyness to be an excuse for flakiness or her working through her issues to be an excuse for a lack of control over her emotions. A sign she is in a healthy place to get to know you will be her possessing a collaborative partner-type mentality coming from a place of humility where she will actively seek to understand things from your point of view. You will sense that your preferences and feelings are not only important to her but openly embraced and welcomed at the table.
Be patient, go slowly and don’t take things personally. If for example you offer help with something and she’s hesitant or refuses to accept, don’t take it as rejection. Accepting help from someone is an act of vulnerability because “what if he doesn’t come through?” Again, allow that mutual trust to build and see if she is more receptive to what you offer and in going to a deeper level with you. Going slow is for your sake too; your time and heart are worthy.

Truth be told, just because a woman can function without a man doesn’t mean that she doesn’t want one. Men, I hope these words have helped to dismantle the lies that you are disposable, unnecessary afterthoughts and have been replaced with the truths that you are valuable, important and yes, you are wanted.