In one of my recent Instagram stories I asked if anyone had any requests for topics and someone submitted a wonderful one that myself and likely many others can relate to. They wrote:
“The weight of giving; it can be draining and unrewarding, depending on how people react or acknowledge it. How do you balance that?”
This topic reminds me of this time a few years ago when I felt really let down by a friend of mine. One day I was hiking Griffith Park and wrestling with how poorly I felt she had treated me when I felt like I had only ever gone out of my way to be a really good friend to her. When I reached the top of the mountain, in the stillness overlooking the city, I felt a question being posed to me: “if your ‘niceness’ is dependent on how kind other people are to you, how ‘good’ or ‘nice’ are you really?” I felt like this sounded like something Jesus would say so I did some research and sure enough it was:
“If you love only those who love you, what reward is there for that? Even corrupt tax collectors do that much” Matthew 5:46.
The experience with that friend was painful but I feel like God used it to take me on a journey of learning to navigate the fun and sometimes difficult road of trying to be a giver and encourager in a dark and confusing world. I am by no means perfect at this but here are a few things that help me immensely to keep on keeping on.
Six ways I stay fueled up to love others:
- Embrace my #Extra. When I first became a Christian, I didn’t totally know what to do with myself. I was used to living life with no brakes and going “all in.” I thought, “what is something healthy I can go ‘all in’ with now?” One day, a verse in Galatians caught my eye: “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law” Galatians 5:22-23.
The “against such things there is no law” part really stood out to me. So, when I didn’t know what to do with myself, I would go hard in joy. I aggressively pursued peace both internally and externally. I would challenge myself to be more patient, kind and loving. I began celebrating the victories of those around me and would try to make even the tiniest special occasion elaborate and fun. People recognized my passion and excitement and started calling me “extra” so I just radically embraced this and ran with it. Today I look up and I am surrounded by friends who also like to celebrate life like no other which has made the journey all the sweeter.
2. Accept that pain and vulnerability are just the price tags of caring. When I first opened my heart to Jesus I felt like I was suddenly stripped of all of my defenses. There was a sudden shift inside of me where I found myself naturally growing into a more sensitive, tuned-in person, aware of and caring about the emotions and experiences of the people around me. I have heard before that you can’t selectively numb emotions; trying to keep the bad out has a way of keeping the good out too and I feel like I’ve learned that first-hand. The more you are open and care the more you are susceptible to hurt and that is just the way it is.
3. Be consistent with self-care. It’s very hard to pour out of an empty cup. I check-in with myself multiple times throughout the day and make sure I am taking care of my own needs mentally, physically and emotionally.
4. Spend time with God. When I stay filled up spiritually by spending time with God, I find myself more naturally feeling loving and patient towards others. The days when I make it a point to immerse myself in prayer, journaling, worship and reading the Word there is a protective container around my heart that empowers me to keep going even when things feel really hard.
5. Tease out the details and create boundaries accordingly. I have begun to notice there are three components present in whatever I’m dealing with: my feelings/actions/reactions, the other person’s feelings/actions/reactions and then the communal space of the situation between us. Trying to own my truth and also allowing them to own theirs while using boundaries to respectfully manage how much I want to give, say, etc. in the shared space between us allows freedom and authenticity in the vast majority of situations.
6. Evaluate my actions and stop taking things so personally. Am I giving just to get? We are all human so it’s hard to do things completely selflessly but trying to make sure that I’m doing things just because I want to regardless of the response has helped me a lot. The majority of people are just caught up and trying to manage their lives the same way I am and things are rarely personal. Easing up off myself and others has taken an immense weight off of shoulders. As one finite being, there’s only so much I can do for anyone and only so much anyone else can do for me.
What is your perspective on seeking to do good and what helps you keep going when it feels difficult?
Regardless of people’s reactions or the disappointments along the way, please continue to give. The world needs what you have ❤
xoxo, Danielle
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