christian women

Single in Quarantine: Reflections on Proverbs 31:12

May 6, 2020April 20, 2021UncategorizedLeave a Comment

Just hanging out. Vancouver, Canada. Summer 2016.

It’s an interesting time for almost everyone right now and perhaps a particularly unique time to be single.

In times like this, sometimes it can feel kind of like you’re just floating in the world and there can be a temptation to relax your standards or entertain things you normally wouldn’t.

It’s kind of like how it feels senior year during finals week when you have completed all your exams but you still have to go to school. Behavior is lax because “it’s not like it’s a ‘real’ school week.”

The same way it feels like what’s happening in the world isn’t quite real.

A few times in quarantine I’ve found myself mentally entertaining scenarios that I normally would shut down immediately and not even explore. For a split second the “but God, it’s not a real school week” mentality invaded my consciousness.

I think it’s the uncomfortable stagnancy of the present and the ambiguity of the future that can allow us to forget about the big picture.

This post is for anyone who is feeling pulled in directions they know they shouldn’t go and under normal circumstances wouldn’t even have the desire to go.

My hope is that it will encourage you to focus back on the path and to remind you that the decisions we make in our love lives now hold just as much weight as ever and to empower you to make the right ones for your future, even now.

Today I was on my daily walk and a verse from Proverbs randomly popped into my head:

“She brings him good, not harm all of the days of her life” (Proverbs 31:12).

This verse is essentially explaining some of the qualities of a good wife.

Immediately after the verse popped into my head, I heard the words “that doesn’t have to start when you meet the person, that can be right now.”

“ALL of the days of her life.”

Even these days. These groundhog days. These endless hours of whatever-you-choose-to-fill-them-with days.

The decisions we make now are just as important now as any other time. Are we making decisions right now that will ultimately bring our future husbands or wives good and not harm all of the days of their lives?

Right now, it may feel okay to entertain that random text message or let that person come over because times are strange but how will this affect the very thing you’ve been having faith for; for possibly years now?

Hebrews 11:1 Defines faith as “the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.”

In this season it feels like a lot of things are unknown and unseen but as always, the only person I can control is me. I can’t control God’s timing or if He has someone for me or not and let’s be real; in life that’s not a guarantee or a promise, period.

In my situation, I believe that God does have someone for me but even if it doesn’t happen, my intention is that I live a life where I set myself up in the best position to receive the love I desire and make proactive choices to get there.

It is important to me that my heart position is pure; to wait for the right man and to set my life up even in singleness in a way that I am a blessing to Him when our paths do cross. This is not passively waiting. This is action-based and I like that.

Like any other dream, you do what you know to do, don’t give up and continue working towards it in faith.

Whatever this means for you in your own particular situation, you know.

Perhaps the most common barrier is the concept that the seat next to you can’t be open for the right person if it’s being occupied by the wrong person; whether that means you’re actually physically with someone you know in your heart isn’t the right one or someone is inappropriately taking up so much space in your thoughts that you might as well be with them.

I know no one wants to hear that but I’m not telling you something I haven’t personally gone through myself and if you need help walking away from someone or something feel free to message me and I’m happy to listen and encourage you through it.

Sometimes it’s hard to believe that better exists in a culture where we’re bombarded with examples that show hook-ups, short attention spans and fickleness as the norm. But those are lies.

I remember when I was in the heights of my experimental days and I was making super interesting choices in my love life.

My mom would tell me, “Danielle, you can do so much better.”

I would respond, “okay, show me better then!”

I had lost hope that better existed and on top of that I was impatient so it was easy to settle in my heart that what I was coming across was all there was and accept almost any kind of treatment.

However, I have witnessed that there are still plenty of people out there who desire and are ready to build a healthy, fun, flourishing and life-giving relationship and are happy to commit to work to continue to growing that connection in marriage.

If you start to doubt this, consider any real-life examples you know of healthy (but of course not perfect) couples and cling tightly to those and don’t let go.

It doesn’t matter if it’s 2020 and the general consensus is that this type of love doesn’t exist anymore. Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever (Hebrews 13:8) and He is still all about relationships that take place within the safe and supportive environment of lifelong commitment.

He, himself is a God of honesty, of loyalty, of covenant. He knows what you need in every season of your life. Pandemic or not, it’s still okay to be bold, counter-cultural and crazy enough to trust Him completely with your love life.

xoxo ❤

Danielle

Quarantine Glow Up: God Heals

March 31, 2020April 20, 2021encouragement, Faith, Healing, hope, tips, Uncategorized2 Comments

This is a picture from a photo shoot I did with my friend Athena right before the Covid-19 quarantine became increasingly strict.

We had done a previous photo shoot together almost exactly this time last year and somehow; despite all of the madness going on in the world right now, there was a distinct sense of peace over our shoot this time.

“Girl, I just feel different this time. I feel really good; just like settled,” I told her.

She laughed and said, “it’s probably because you’re so well rested because there’s nothing else to do!”

This could be the case. While some of us are working during this time like nothing happened, that’s not my story and it’s not many other people’s story; all of the work and projects I had booked are postponed until further notice.

So, what to do? There’s a lot of things we can focus on during this time. I see lots of people talking about their #quarantineglowup in a physical sense and I am all for that.

I am always an advocate of trying to look our best and if we’re privileged enough to have the luxury, why not use this time to jump even deeper into our beauty, wellness and fitness regimes since time allows for it.

But there’s another glow up that is worthy of our focus as well; a spiritual one.

I was praying last night about some deep stuff; stuff from like playground years. The kind of stuff you know you should get to the bottom of but it’s always super hard, annoying and painful to go there.

Frankly, it’s something I am irritated that I’ve had to seek such constant healing about over the years and I struggle to get to where I feel totally at peace with it. I don’t like the process; it’s uncomfortable, ugly and painful.

Last night through a very simple conversation with God, he dropped something new into my spirit about the situation that was seemingly small but somehow brought me to new dimensions of understanding…it brought a significant level of new healing.

I realized that this isn’t meant to quick. It’s meant to be a process and sometimes it’s going to look worse before it looks better.

This idea of “worse before better” can be like what it is like when we go to an actual spa.

I think we can all agree that most beauty treatments have us looking pretty crazy mid-way through.

When we’re getting scrubbed down and exfoliated our skin looks red, splotchy and irritated but that is the process it takes to remove the dead skin cells to reveal fresh, soft and glowing skin.

When we’re in the process of getting a pedicure, our feet look like we’ve been kicking bricks as we sit there, polish free and mid-callous removal.

When we get our hair colored, we spend a big chunk of the time looking like aliens with aluminum foil protruding from our heads like futuristic antennas.

Not only do we look way less glamorous than we are used to; sometimes we are also more open and susceptible to harm during these times of extreme beauty renovation.

I remember when I used to go to this infrared sauna placed in Hollywood and they would tell me after each session to be careful because at this time my pores were super open.

Due to this, my skin would be more prone to ingesting toxins in the environment, the dirt, the pollution and anything I let get close to my skin while my pores were so open.

Likewise, spiritually when we’re going through this process, we are open and exposed. I’ve learned that Jesus is literally the perfect person to know what to do with us in these moments and we can trust Him in our uncomfortable and vulnerable state.

Just like all my girls know, lotion never applies as smooth and skin never radiates as brightly as it does after you properly exfoliate, steam and apply a mask.

Similarly, spiritually, as you go through the intensive and often lengthy process of opening up and getting brutally honest with God you begin to enjoy the glow that only all of the time spent deliberately surrendering to that process can produce.

And the same way that a nail spot won’t charge you and throw you out into the streets mid-manicure in your unfinished state; God won’t do that either.

“And I am certain that God, who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus” (Philippians 1:6).

He’s patient with us and walks with us through our entire process until it is complete.

All of the hair and nail salons may be closed right now but the spiritual spa is always open and the owner is always available throughout the day and into all hours of the night. He is a gentleman and if you come close to Him, He will come close to you (James 4:8).

This may not get you the blatantly obvious Instagram-type glow up gains but the gains earned will be gains where it’s most important. The benefits will far exceed any likes on social media.

xoxo,

Danielle

Single for the First Time (My Story, part 2)

October 8, 2019April 26, 2021Faith, Healing, Singleness, tipsLeave a Comment

First time in San Francisco with one of my best friends, a few weeks into my process in September 2015.

This is a part 2 to the post where I covered the immediate steps I took the first few weeks after breaking my constant pattern of relationship/situation-ships.

Part 2 is perhaps more practical and applicable, covering some of the intentional things I did that helped set the stage for a fresh start and helped open the door to a new life.

I listened primarily to ambient music only. Ambient music is a collection of flowing rhythms and beats, usually without any lyrics. This genre sparked my interest because I didn’t want to listen to music that would be suggestive to my subconscious and lead me to dwell on negative emotions. I believe the power of music is strong and I didn’t want to be subjected to receiving repetitive themes of missing someone, being lonely, wanting someone back or just wanting love in general. This strong boundary I created around the music I allowed myself to consume helped me immensely and enabled me to relax into the healing power of music without absorbing the intense emotions artists are capable of imparting through their words.
I poured my energy into cultivating things of beauty. At the time I had just moved into a new apartment, which was essentially a blank canvas at the time. I literally started out with nothing other than a blow-up mattress and I was excited to dive deep into the entire experience of turning my new space into a home. I ended up creating an oasis of tranquility which I still cherish to this day. I drew inspiration from Pinterest and took my time; enjoying many little trips browsing stores for things that would help me create the laid-back, cozy and inviting vibe I desired. I also did a ton of cooking and baking during this time. I have always enjoyed being in the kitchen but during this time, the calming and fun process of learning how to make new and yummy creations felt extra therapeutic, enjoyable and empowering. I also did a lot of totally meticulous, mind-numbing art projects just for enjoyment and mental distraction. I went to the art store one day and dropped about $100 on paint, blank canvases, different fabrics, materials and textures. I made sure each project consisted of mindless activity that wasn’t too much to focus on yet was tedious and would keep my brain occupied instead of allowing it to wander wherever it felt like. I made a room divider completely from scratch out of hemp string among several other things and I was super proud of my little creations.
I cleansed myself of any items tying me to the past. One morning I woke up at around 5 am and got the strong urge to get rid of everything from the past. Letters, pictures, and even certain pieces of lingerie just had to go. I got McDonalds breakfast before the sun came up and drove through the hills until I reached one of my favorite look-out points on the top of Mulholland Drive. I sat on the hood of my car admiring the view and the quiet of the morning. After moments of contemplation and knowing that this chapter was finally closed, I dumped everything into the trashcan up there just as the sun began to rise over the city. This wasn’t done from an emotional or spiteful place but more because I knew deep down it was just the right thing to do.
I journaled prolifically. I have always enjoyed writing and have kept journals since I was a teenager. During this time the deepest thoughts, experiences and questions I had to the most mundane details of my day; it all went down on paper. And I loved every moment of it.
I went on sweet adventures with the people I love. I allowed myself to be captivated by the wonder of new environments. Most memorably during this time, I spent time with one of my best childhood friends exploring San Francisco for the first time. I also took a spontaneous day trip with one of my girlfriends down to San Diego where we marveled at the beauty and majesty of La Jolla.

I look back at this time with such fond memories. It was a time of taking chances; walking bravely into the unknown and encountering some of my deepest fears but ultimately finding out that everything was okay; it was actually way better than just okay. We were created to be far more resilient than we think we are.

Now you tell me! What are some of the experiences you’ve had after ending a relationship(s) or just making a major change in your life? What are your fears, struggles, triumphs? I love you, believe in you and I’m cheering for you to win ❤

Single for the First Time (My Story, Part 1)

September 23, 2019April 20, 2021Faith, Healing, Singleness1 Comment

Spending time in the Colorado mountains days before making one of the biggest decisions of my life; to become truly single for the first time ever. September 2015.

All my life, I was the girl who was never without a guy. From age 15 to 24 I was in a serious, long-term relationship. That relationship ended. For the three years following that, I lived my life indulging in unrestrained freedom; doing literally whatever I felt like doing. I dated and did my thing at my discretion.

It all looked like fun on the surface but I could feel my recklessness catching up with me. Why did I have zero peace; in my mind and in my heart?

The weight of the darkness I had dabbled in all in the name of YOLO, the bottomless pit of emptiness and the looming feeling of the purposelessness of my life were things that nice makeup and a bright white smile couldn’t conceal anymore.

Even the Facebook pictures chronicling my escapades began to feel weighty and fake and made me wonder; “what am I doing all of this for? I’m not happy.”

There was so much evidence showing me I needed to break off from my latest guy and make some serious life changes. I felt invisibly chained to my own patterns and circumstances; powerless to move forward.

I was stuck between wanting desperately to change my life but being completely horrified to do so.

I found myself turning to an unlikely source, a Christian friend; the only one I had at the time. I wasn’t the type to ever willingly step foot inside the doors of a church. I didn’t even know whether I believed in God or not but I was at the end of my rope.

My friend was very uplifting and seemed to always do the right thing. I’d never even heard her curse. It appeared to me that she had her life together, so I felt like maybe she could give me good advice. I believe God used her to do just that. I asked her:

“Do you think God rewards us when we do the right thing…even if it’s something that’s really hard for us to do?”

She responded with a sweet and certain “yes.”

Her simple answer was all of the assurance I needed to have confidence that there was something better waiting for me; if only I could be brave enough and strong enough to do what I knew needed to be done.

This teeny tiny bit of hope I felt was my “mustard seed of faith” (Matthew 17:20) and at that time, that was all I needed.

I took the leap and cut off all of the random guys in my life.

Less than three months later, I accepted Christ.

I thought it may be useful to write out my journey for anyone who may feel a hard tugging on their heart to leave someone (or multiple someones).

I urge you, sister-to-sister: if you have that nagging “knowing” feeling deep down inside of you that you need to break up or leave the situation-ship that is draining you way more than it is lifting you up but you feel totally stuck, I hope this gives you just enough hope as my friend did with me to believe that better days are ahead. No matter how scary it may feel right now, if you jump, Christ will catch you and help you every step along the way. You are not alone, uncared for or unloved. This I know.

So, here are my stumbling, fumbling first few weeks of being single for the first time ever. I didn’t know what I was doing at all so this is not a blueprint or advice as much as it is encouragement that if Miss Always-Got-A-Man could do this, anyone can.

There was no real plan, method or rationale to my process but this is what I did:

I Went Cold Turkey

After making the necessary phone call and having the final conversation, I blocked the number. A little while after, I lost my cellphone and took that as an organic opportunity to get not only a new phone but a new phone number. I blocked all social media. I was serious and I knew I needed to do a hard reset.

I Sat in My Feelings

I let all I felt wash over me without hiding or distracting myself. I didn’t “get under someone new to get over someone else.” I forced myself to stay alone in the discomfort of the fear, the sadness, the quietness. I cried and punched my pillow and I just let it all flow.

Since I never took time for myself in between guys, I was not just feeling the absence of the latest one but instead I was finally feeling the weight of every man left behind that I had always just numbed by jumping right to the next one.

3. I Rested Unapologetically

I remember feeling like a cellphone with the charge on zero percent. My job at the time alternated between being super busy and then having huge amounts of downtime where I didn’t work so I was afforded the opportunity to do nothing for a pretty long span of time. I did a lot of nothing.

There were long stretches of days where I didn’t leave my apartment, turn on the lights or even open up the blinds. I let my body sleep for as long as it felt like it. I was determined to detox completely from the habit of always having someone there for entertainment and validation. I wanted to break the physical addiction of automatic access to comfort and pleasure.

I Slowly Started Seeking Light and Safe Stimulation

After a few weeks of literal hibernation, I slowly began to visualize in my mind that my battery, previously dead, was now slowly turning into a thin green line of charge but I still wasn’t really desiring any major interaction with the outside world.

I started surfing YouTube for some light-hearted entertainment and landed on the Hodgetwins YouTube channel. I would binge watch video after video and just laugh. I started incorporating nightly trips to the Del Taco drive-thru during this time & filled up on whatever I wanted which at the time mostly consisted of a few vegetarian hard tacos, French fries and a large Coke Zero.

I Stuck to My Guns and Resisted the Strong Temptation to Reach out

I remember at exactly the one-month mark when I was enjoying what had become my typical nightly indulgence of Hodgetwins and Del Taco when out of nowhere I suddenly felt a strong and forceful push urging me to reach out to the same guy I was completely certain that I needed to move on from.

I logically knew that wasn’t good for me and most confusing of all, I knew it wasn’t even what I actually wanted to do. It was the strangest sensation of feeling as though I was being violently and repetitively bullied by a force outside of myself to do something that would actually cause me harm.

At the time I knew nothing about God or the bible or anything but after white-knuckling it through the abnormally extreme intensity of the mental torment of that night, I now believe that this was my first clear and memorable experience with spiritual warfare.

When I woke up the next morning after conquering the battle raging inside my mind that night, the overwhelming urge to reach out to or see that person had lifted completely and it never returned again. I had passed the test. It was James 4:7 playing out in real time.

….Part 2 Coming Soon!