The Sex, Love & Dating Chronicles: Love

I regret to inform you that the post I originally planned to write I will not be posting. But I am happy to inform you that what I have for you is something far better. 

If you read my previous Instagram post, (not necessary to read to understand this post but just an added bonus) about Darryl Strawberry preaching on Ephesians 3:20, the story I’m about to tell is the continuation of Ephesians 3:20, in action: 

^“Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us.”

In short, if you ask God to teach you about love so you can write about it, He is going to do abundantly more than all you can ask or imagine, through His power that is at work within us. 

Because I can guarantee the goodness of the story I am about to share isn’t about my own power.   

This post was written after 30 minutes of me crying on my living room floor and making a much-needed spontaneous, midnight (east coast time) phone call of reconciliation. 

Like picture whoever in your life is the “oh hell no, that conversation is never happening” person.  This was that call.   

I’ll elaborate on that part later but first, let me explain:

Yesterday evening I was struggling to string together the finishing touches on my post about “Love.”  Let me be real, I wasn’t just having a hard time with the “finishing touches”…

I was having a hard time writing it.  At all. 

I had done all the research. I poured over pages of scripture verses using mostly the book of John as a reference to explain and try to articulate the love of God.  I had compiled notes and talking points throughout the week as I camped out with cups of coffee and a large platter of sweet potato fries at one of my favorite neighborhood cafes with my laptop.  All extra and intellectual-like.      

But something wasn’t flowing. 

Usually when I’m writing, it feels so natural and the right words just seem to come.  It’s the time when I feel like I’m in my rhythm and things are just easy.

Not this time.  I felt so…blocked.

“I feel like I’m ‘getting’ it but I’m not ‘GETTING’ it,” I thought to myself. 

I was frustrated.  I knew I would be posting today and I wanted to bring something authentic which I felt like I was on the verge of totally failing at. 

Maybe I just needed to do even more research.  I scoured YouTube for videos studies on biblical love.  I felt like I was getting warmer but something was still missing. 

As I poured over the videos about God’s love, my heart slowly began to sink as it become increasingly apparent to me how rarely I really, truly and deeply practice totally selfless, Christ-like love. 

Sure, I’m patient with others…if my day is going well and I’m not in a rush. 

Sure, I go out of my way for people…if I really like them a lot. 

Sure, I am happy to lend a hand…if it doesn’t inconvenience me way too much.      

I started to realize I wasn’t having a writing problem or a knowledge problem.  I was smack dab in the middle of a heart problem. 

Has Your Heart Grown Cold?

It’s insidious and it can happen gradually, sometimes as a result of pure busyness. What’s even trickier is when the busyness is often even motivated by good intentions. So it feels justifiable. I’m present but am I really, truly there?  Do important events and conversations truly penetrate my heart the way they have before? Does love make its way in only partially but bounce off a certain layer where it’s easy to just brush it off and keep it moving like business as usual?

Really feeling things and being truly present for people and situations can be inconvenient and distracting. 

One of the things that has always really struck me about Jesus is how genuinely He had time for people and things and allowed them to deeply affect Him during his time walking the earth as a man.  Just a couple of many examples:

• Jesus wept at Lazarus’s death (John 11:35) and wept as He looked out over Jerusalem (Luke 19:41). 
• Jesus was consumed with passion when He saw people were being ripped off inside the temple (Matthew 21:12-13). 
• He felt such deep anguish as He prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane before His crucifixion that it caused Him to sweat blood (Luke 22:44).  *This is actually a real and rare medical condition called Hematohidrosis, which can happen when someone is under extreme situations involving overwhelming emotional or physical stress.  

Jesus was strong, focused and assured of who He was but at the same time, completely and totally tenderhearted.

Can I say the same thing about myself?

If I’m honest, I know that the first few years of my walk with God, I really felt this way, almost 24/7 and it could be overwhelming.  As I’ve moved further from those days, being truly sensitive in such a way happens in glimpses but it’s not my default mode.  I’m too busy.  Too driven in working towards my “purpose” or whatever productive sounding Christianese is commonly used to excuse why we can’t stop and truly give others the time of day.   

Last night as I struggled to define this out-of-touch feeling, I landed on a video from Red Rocks Young Adults preached by Doug Wekenman that perfectly sums it: Thick Skin, Soft Hearts, Can’t Lose. 

Wekenman preached about a Jesus who “had skin thick enough to willingly walk into an undeserved crucifixion and a heart soft enough to pray for the people who were doing it.”

Hurt People, Hurt People

It’s such a cliché saying but it’s true.  Usually our hearts get hard in reaction to the regular pains of life. This is a concept the pastor in the video touches on.  He speaks of how most of us have Thin Skin and Hard Hearts so we naturally go through life hurting one another, intentionally and unintentionally. I hurt you, you hurt me.  It’s an inherent feature of our sinful human nature.  We’re sensitive but we’re also calloused. 

Another variant he discusses is having Thin Skin and a Soft Heart, a combination in which life can easily crush you.  A soft heart is beautiful but mixed with thin skin, it makes it easy to feel fragile, weak and to effortlessly crumble under pressure or conflict. 

In order to protect from the people who have hurt you, you can develop a Thick Skin and a Hard Heart.  This can mean you’re a fighter who can power through and survive life’s tough situations and avoid getting hurt again.  But it can also harden you to where nothing can get in. 

I can personally say I vacillate between being a combination of any of these on any given day depending on my mood and circumstances.    

So How Are We Supposed to Love One Another If We’re Like This?

 His answer: develop a Thick Skin and a Soft Heart. 

The prime example he offers as the prototype of displaying this Thick Skin and Soft Heart?

Jesus. 

The one who had the strength to endure getting nailed to a cross while simultaneously having the soft heart to pray for the very ones who were murdering Him.   

How do we love one another and develop this thick skin and soft heart?

We look to Jesus and allow Him to empower us to do like He did…truly love.  Let the grudge go.  Really forgive the person you feel deserves your forgiveness the least.     

As the video closed, I was in tears. 

I love people, I do.  But I also cuss them out in my head sometimes.  At times I drive like a total jerkette in traffic.  I don’t really enjoy engaging in gossip very much but I’ll read it anonymously on the internet sometimes. 

I went ahead blocked a specific catty account on IG I had recently been lurking around.  I felt better already.    

Then I felt myself doing something I never thought I’d do.  All choked up, I felt strongly compelled to make a nearly-midnight-east-coast-time phone call.  I felt intensely that I needed to tell this person in this exact moment all of the things they had done right over the years, when I had previously only ever focused on all their wrongs.  After a peaceful nearly hour-long conversation and an “I love you” that didn’t feel stilted or forced, a weight was lifted.      

This is it.  This is the love I was trying to write about but it is best described in action.

God softened my heart, encouraged me and empowered me to have an impossible conversation. 

He did it exceedingly abundantly. Above all that I could ask or think. According to His power that works in us.

It’s the small everyday things where God meets us and guides us into living out His commandment to love Him with all our heart, soul and mind and to love our neighbor as ourselves (Matthew 22:37-39).       

If it’s safe for you to do so, I encourage you to make that phone call you don’t want to but know you need to make.  I’m not talking about a situation where calling would do more harm than good.  I’m talking about the conversation that you need to have but you’re purposely withholding. Maybe we can take a moment to examine the thickness of our skin and the hardness of our heart. And turn it around and walk in love. 

God can be depended on to meet us there.

<3,

Danielle